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5 Things You Must Do or Not Do on The First Night of Sex

You have gone on several dates with your man and you have kept it PG-13 up until now, but tonight is the big night. The following is a list of the top 5 things you must do (or not do) to ensure your man keeps coming back for more and the relationship continues:

1. Perform Well, But Keep It Freaky and Kink Free

Men like aggressive sexual women, but they need to grow into it during the course of the relationship. Swinging from the chandeliers and over-the-top dirty talk should be avoided, at least for now. Telling him how good it feels is ok, but dirty talk should be avoided. Wait to break out the toys and avoid the stinky pinky. Good girls just don’t do that on the first night. If you do anything too risque, he will enjoy himself for sure, but he will also assume that this is your modus operandi and ditch you in due course.

2. Never Laugh At His Manhood

Men are most insecure about two things: thinning hair and the size of their johnson. The truth is most men are nervous the first time they are about to get naked because despite how large they may be, they always assume they never measure up. Perhaps you will get lucky and your man is packing heat, but statistics suggest that the average member is slightly north of 5 inches. If you have been sexually inactive for several months and have satisfied yourself with porn, keep in mind that male porn stars average 8-9 inches and can occasionally come in at 11 or 12 inches. You most likely will need to adjust your expectations to the real world. Whatever size pistol he reveals, keep your comments positive. If ever there was a time to lie or hyperbolize, now is it. Never call it cute and who knows, some men are growers, not showers, so your best bet is to wrap your lips around his stick and find out.

3. Never Stink (from any orifice):

There is no bigger turn off than a smelly girl and I am not just talking about your breath. It certainly goes without saying that your pre-sex meal not contain any items that cause bad breath. Tonight is not the night to experiment either, new foods can turn your stomach into a war zone. A girl with gas on the first night will, at best, be a one-night stand. Wait 6 months into the relationship before you indulge in garlic and onion laced Mexican or heavily-spiced Indian cuisine. Most importantly, make sure your nether region is as groomed and odorless as it can possibly be. You have no idea if your man likes to perform oral sex, and if you are lucky enough to have found one, don’t disappoint him with a hairy smelly mess. That isn’t nice and it certainly won’t incentivize him to repeat the act should the relationship continue. Do not go completely bald either (some men are not into that), a strip or neatly groomed pubic patch is recommended.

4. Condom Policy

Always carry no less than 4 condoms with you (and it never hurts to have more, in case he is a stallion). Perhaps the “condom policy” should have been listed first, but what a bummer way to start an article. Most heterosexual men are ill-prepared for most things, including sex. It is not uncommon for men to get a bit inebriated prior to a sexual encounter and good judgment seems to diminish with each drink. Even good intelligent men will sometimes forego a condom when under the influence. Make sure you are never on the receiving end of this mistake. So he doesn’t think you are a “dirty slut” when you pull out a condom, let him know throughout the night (before you actually pull it out) that you have been thinking about this night for quite some time and have prepared for everything.

5. Location, Location, Location

If you do not do proper due diligence on your man’s housing situation, you can find yourself in a very embarrassing situation the morning after. Believe it or not, some men even at the ripe old age of 30 have mommies that come by the house uninvited (and often on weekends when you are likely to be having your romantic evening). Even if his mother knows about you, you don’t want to be spotted after a night of doing the dirty. After all, this woman may turn out to be your mother-in-law. Other potential pitfalls include roommates you may not be aware of who may walk into your man’s bedroom without knocking unaware of your presence. Perhaps your pad makes the most sense, but, if not, do your homework on his living situation.

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